A Short Story That's Apropos

Here's an Andre Dubus short story from a few years back which fits our theme.

A Father's Story pdf 

A Friend of a Friend's Story

Here's a story a friend has forwarded.

In 1952, sixty years ago, getting married at a nuptial Mass was the norm for Catholics.
“Honeymoon” babies also seemed to be the
follow-up. No surprise there as the   only birth control was abstinence. Families numbering five ,six  children were  in the majority. Yes, some couples only had one child but   sympathy  was for that couple who couldn’t have more.
What sympathy did the woman get who had given birth to her sixth and a year later when she  did have her seventh and one year and seven days later
 her eighth ? The answer is none.

Well of course, she was fertile and  serviced her husband, as she should. She had vowed to obey her husband.
When she asked for help from the priest in the confessional, what advice did she receive? I know that person, Elyse, who went to Father X and was counseled that she could practice other methods  of birth control, even the pill.
After all ,she was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and the  “permission” was given.
However, her husband also went to confession on that same Saturday, but he went to Father Y.
Absolutely not, continue with the abstinence plan and no other birth control is  to be practiced was the
 Church dictum he received.

The couple discussed what  their confessors each said.
Their relationship became strained, but Elyse gave  birth to the ninth child  and then a year later the tenth. Elyse tried to joke about it.
Beautiful family was the praise she was given as people  would remark but some also raised their eyes.
The confessor , who counseled her husband
didn’t  get ,well possibly wasn’t told that the family
was living on one income of his factory  worker salary and there were strained relations because of all the stresses.
  Would it have changed that priest’s advice?
Elyse  gave birth to ten children and also suffered two miscarriages, but carried on with the Catholic Church’s teaching that abstinence was to be the only method of birth control.
The couple remained married and celebrated  a loving marriage of fifty-four years until his death.
Today, sixty years later,  2012 ,seven children
are married. Only one family has  three children, the others each have two. Birth control isn’t a topic of conversation, I can attest to that, but I dare say other methods other than abstinence were used.

Sheila's Anguish

Recently I talked with a friend I’ll call Sheila, who was married in 1969 and had two children in the next three years.  As a child, Sheila’s major interest was religion and learning more about God.  As an adult, she continued to take her Catholic religion seriously and strove to live her spiritual life to the full.  When her children were still babies, her husband “Sean” began graduate studies, a choice that took the little family into a series of moves far from what had been home and from old friends and extended family.  The marriage suffered.  Immersed in his studies, Sean no longer had time for the companionship Sheila yearned for—indeed required—and her mental and physical health deteriorated.  His suggested solution was that she have another baby.  With too little money and not enough time for a satisfying family life, she had not thought twice about using contraception, although she knew the Church opposed it.  What she did take seriously was the sacrament of matrimony and the vows she had taken.  Lonely and exhausted, she struggled with the idea that her husband also had a right to decide the number of children they had.  She wondered if she was selfish not to give him what he wanted.  She did not believe in divorce and prayed constantly for healing in her marriage. 

Eventually, she put her dilemma to the psychiatrist she was seeing.  After that doctor met with Sean as well, it became clear to Sheila that the friend and lover she had married had become someone else, someone who was never going to give of himself sufficiently as a husband and father—and that another baby would not make them whole again.

Sheila says, “Eventually, I realized that unless both parties cooperated in seeing what was going on in our marriage and our family and gave that some priority, even God could not salvage it.”  She divorced Sean and moved back to her hometown with the children.  She also stopped going to Sunday Mass as the dynamics of hierarchy versus laity reminded her too much of the dysfunction in her marriage.  She has remained, however, keenly interested in the Divine.

Frank Bruni

In a March 20, 2012 column in the New York Times, Frank Bruni told something of his mother's story.  "When my mother dutifully mentioned her IUD during confession back in the 1970’s, the parish priest told her that she really needn’t apologize or bring it up again.  Which was a good thing, since she had no intention of doing away with it.  Four kids were joy and aggravation enough.”

Maureen Dowd

Maureen Dowd’s  May 23, 2012, New York Times column was headlined “Father Doesn’t Know Best.”  

“Your parents spill a few secrets as they get older.

 “One night at dinner with my mom, I ventured that the rhythm method had worked well for her, given that there were six years between my sister Peggy and my brother Kevin, and six more between Kevin and me.  She arched an eyebrow.  ‘Well, sometimes your father used something,’ she said.

“My parents were the most devout Catholics I’ve ever known.  But my dad came from a family of 16 in County Clare in Ireland, and my mom’s mother came from a family of 13 in County Mayo.  So they balanced their faith with a dose of practicality.

“After their first three kids, they sagely decided family planning was not soul-staining.”