Wanting to Have a Lot of Kids

My daughter Jane, who lives in Montreal and works in social media, alerted me to Practicing Mammal which led me to The Koala Bear Writer.

The Practicing Mammal blogger lives in Vancouver and has nine children.

Coming Home: Practicing Mammal's Conversion Story

"My conversion happened in 1991. At the Easter Vigil, I entered the Catholic Church. I converted from Nothing. Of course conversion is an ongoing affair and today I am still converting. I am still learning and growing and turning my heart toward God on a daily basis. But how I got from Nothing to embracing the Catholic Church as my home is yet another angle on the mysterious ways that God works in our life. It wasn't sudden. In fact, I kind of oozed my way toward the Church, over about ten years..."

Click here to read the full post from Friday, February 22, 2013.

My thanks to the Koala Bear Writer for authorizing me to share this content.

Flying in the Face of Church Teaching

The story below comes from the blog MomsRising.   I've left in a fair amount of argumentation because it seems to be integral to the story/personal experience.

Having been a lay minister in the RCIA program and a catechism teacher for years I am very well informed about the Catholic Church’s teaching on birth control. I have read West, Everett and the Theology of the Body.

My husband and I did use NFP for a number of years until I acquired an ovarian tumor after our second child and had to have a radical hysterectomy/oophorectomy. Since then I have been able to analyze church teaching through both a pastoral lens and from the standpoint of no longer being personally emotionally involved in the teaching because I no longer have the equipment that the teaching applies to.

My first experience was that having relations with my husband became stress free after my hysterectomy. This was very freeing for me personally and for our marriage and it flew in the face of what I had been taught about non-procreative sex. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and our bond is stronger than ever since the hysterectomy. It made me wonder why I got to enjoy stress free marital relations when all of my friends of the same age were required by the Church to stress over intimate relations with their spouse. It began to seem very unfair to me. I would hear couples’ stories of struggle, depression, and in some cases the destruction of their marriages from this teaching. It was also an irony that I saw that the best marriages in my parish, the ones that are still standing strong, are the marriages in which artificial birth control was the couples’ decision without question from the very beginning. My experiences have not panned out to look like what West and Everett said they should.

What I have found is that despite the arguments of West, Everett, and TTB the Church has failed to address the very real fact that most Catholics’ consciences are actually very well informed about this teaching despite what the Holy Father would like to believe. I have worked with these couples and families and these people know why the teaching about birth control is what it is, and they do not see that it is transparent to reason, so they have rejected it.

It would be one thing to say that 10% of Catholics reject this teaching and therefore need to have their consciences corrected, but it is entirely something else to take basically the entire Church and say the entire Church needs to be educated. From my experience this is simply not the case.

That is not to say that the Church is a democracy, but rather that if the Church is so poor at persuading people to follow this teaching then something may be going on that the Holy Spirit may be involved in. The Church leadership refuses to pay attention to this and it is suffering the consequences. From my experience this is not because priests are not preaching the teaching, because I have always lived in a parish were it is taught every weekend and the more it is taught the more the parish rejects it. Telling people not to do things because the Church says so is not an effective argument and year after year it becomes less and less effective.

The argument that the laity are not informed is often the lazy argument that Church leaders like to propagate so that they don’t have to fully look at why their teaching is not being accepted and do the hard work behind this, such as humbly admit their error.

Read more: http://www.momsrising.org/blog/birth-control-and-the-catholic-church/#ixzz2LGmYL3ST

Variations on a Theme: NFP

Still trolling for stories among friends, family and acquaintances and awaiting ones promised, I’ve decided once again to raid low-hanging fruit from other blogs.  Catholic Mom says it’s for “Catholic mothers who would like to talk to other Catholic moms about anything from Christianity to what color your babies poop was!”  What I found seemed to be a support group for women using Natural Family Planning and other natural methods.  Typical posts describe struggles with NFP; comments offer advice, share stories and rate NFP from awesome to zany.  Since it’s stories my blog is dedicated to, I will stick to them and edit out most other material.  Readers, to get the full picture I suggest you read Catholic Mom.  BTW, I am struck by the many allusions to prayer and to God’s will in Catholic Mom, not what I’m used to hearing among the Catholic moms I encounter to face to face.  All of the following taken from Catholic Mom were written in 2012.  Below is a post.

“Hi all! I hope you are all doing well. I'm writing today because this is really weighing on me. I went to the Dr. this past week for my postpartum appointment and the Dr as usual talked to me about birth control. I am exclusively breastfeeding and this being our first, we want to have the next one close in age... But not within a year of eachother. The Dr told me that it takes my body a full year to completely recover from the pregnancy. Many women get pregnant before and he said if I did I would be ok, but that my body would not be able to offer a fully functional uterus, etc. for the next baby.

“Now, we used NFP before & had trouble with keeping track because I have PCOS and am very very irregular (as are my signs of ovulation, in fact I have had to take medication for years to regulate me and get me to ovulate). The Dr told me that NFP isn't effective postpartum because my hormones are still all over and the normal signs of ovulation and cycle are not present for a while (different for everyone).

“He talked to me about a BC pill specialized for breastfeeding moms and of course condoms (which we have never used). My question is I don't feel right about either of those but I do not want to get pregnant so quickly, I am still not feeling 100% after my c-section and really would like at a min 6 months to recover before thinking about getting pregnant. But this scenario is not like with NFP where we know what times we can and can't be active so the only "natural" option here is not being intimate for 6 months - which I don't want either.

“I am so tied and am not sure what to do. I know that while breastfeeding my chances are less but I know moms who have started their periods 1 month after birth even with EBFing. On the other hand I know that if God wants us to get pregnant we will... So I am just so confused about what to do.
Am I seeing the entire picture or maybe missing another option? Any advice on what you all did? Thanks!”

 Here’s a story taken from a comment on the above post:

“I used the sympto-thermal method of NFP and it worked. I do have near constant fertile CM [cervical mucus] so it was tough and there was a lot of abstaining at first but by 6 months pp I got my cycle back and things got super easy. We've used it twice now and happily spaced our 2 boys.
“Condoms are way less effective than NFP in my experience (condoms are how we got our firstborn!) and the progestin only pill still can have side effects like you'll get a period back sooner (fake period but annoying nonetheless) and it can affect your milk supply (even though male doctors say otherwise I know lots of women for whom that happened) Any hormonal BC acts as an abortifacient, thinning the lining of the uterus so a new embryo cannot implant. Breakthrough ovulation with progestin pills is more frequent too because it's very dependent on taking it the exact same time every day.
“And regardless of all that, it'd be a sin against God and against your own body, you definitely don't want that on your conscience.”

Another comment:

“I just wanted to hop on here and offer my support to you!  I hope you are doing well and recovering from your birth.  I remember after my first birth, that I was so scared and nervous to conceive so soon again and thought I would have ample amount of time with breastfeeding for my fertility return.  However, I was naive, didn't take any NFP courses, and conceived my WONDERFUL daughter 10 months after my son was born.  At the time very scary and I didn't see God's plan for us but kept my faith in His timing....now I see His plan clearly and it is much more beautiful than I ever imagined.
“NFP does have a method for postpartum time period and I found that with me I couldn't rely on the "wet" sign for fertility but surely the mucous signs were very, very apparent before I became fertile again.  I think the method is if 'dry' for three days then it was okay to have sex...so for us I could alter it (because I know my body so well after 4 postpartum periods now)  and say that if I do not have any mucous or fertile mucous...I am surely infertile and have been.  My fertile mucous has always shown up, then I start to temp, and I have ALWAYS seen my fertility return (except for the first one which I was having a lot of fertile mucous for months before my fertility returned but was stupid.”

And finally—for now:

“I too am pregnant again and this time I have to be a hypocrite and a horrible Catholic by revoking my statement earlier this year by saying I will use birth control this time; its non negotiable; my teeth are falling out and I'm shrinking.  I'm worried for myself and my children's well being if I'm constantly run down from nursing and pregnancy.  Good luck ladies with NFP 'cause I'm severing my ties with it.”

Stories Untold, Lost or Insubstantial

In my quest for new stories, I’ve heard a number that, ultimately, I wasn’t given permission to publish.  In one case, the woman was too anguished over long-ago events to want to go public.  (Nor am I sure that telling me her story helped her.  Some memories, no doubt, are better left uncovered.)  In another case, a blithe spirit recounted a lively tale of her younger days, and then, upon reflection, opted for discretion. 

Then there are the lost stories.  Recently, a friend who was raised Catholic but has not remained in the Church told me that she has no recollection of birth control being an issue for her parents or aunts or uncles, that the entire Catholic experience felt remote.  I think it important to collect and share what family stories we can because those narratives contribute to wisdom and truth.  The “Greatest Generation” has mostly departed this earth, leaving stories in the memories of their survivors, stories with “sell-by” dates.  I will continue to search these stories out.

Then there are the stories that aren’t.  Often when I talk with Catholic adults of child-bearing years I’m surprised at how unaware they are of the Church’s teaching on sexual morality.  Both cradle Catholics and converts, for instance, seem to feel free to choose among all types of birth control, the exception being the women writing for blogs that espouse NFP, not people I see in person.  The young adult Catholics I see in person are actively seeking spirituality, community and ethical living for themselves and their children.  Their religious journey appears to me remarkably free of what some might term “baggage.”

Another Comment Gratefully Received!

Thanks, Pat, for your comment and thanks for reading all of the posts.  Please consider contributing more of your own story.

It is interesting to see all sides of this topic from firsthand accounts. I read all of the posts and can find myself in many of them. I used birth control without guilt. I stopped using them when the side effects issues finally convinced me it was not healthy. I have five children and no regrets. Hugs, GraceinAZ (Pat)

A Comment Belatedly Posted

This comment was made several weeks ago in response to the  post "Two Old Stories."  (I'm still catching on about opening and posting comments.)

"Women of all religions, and poor women for the most part, were treated with disdain by religious leaders, doctors, etc....

"My mother, Jewish, was allowed to be in labor for days...when my father was asked: Who do you want us to save--the baby or your wife? My sister, Penelope, choked by the umbilical cord, was born dead. My mother survived to have 3 children. My father who asked in response to the doctors' question: Can't you save both? was forever mistrusted by my mother's sister as a result.

"My mother was in the same generation of women who wrote about their experiences above. Similar attitudes towards women condemning them to a less than heavenly life here on earth."

The Seventh Child

I’m not sure of the propriety of quoting other people’s published stories.  I was going to paraphrase the first few paragraphs of “From Maine to Thailand,” the memoir of Roger Parent that appears in the Number 87 volume of Echoes, but it’s written so well and so succinctly that I’m going to post it as is and hope that I’m not committing any sort of violation.

“My parents had six children and could not afford another child.  Maybe they didn’t want another child, but I don’t know that.  It was near the end of the Depression.  They had lost their savings, jobs were scarce, and birth control was an inexact science fraught with moral implications for my parents who were devout Catholics.  They tried to follow the birth control allowed by the Church: abstinence, nursing the last baby as long as possible, and having sexual intercourse only when they thought my mother was not fertile.  But nothing worked and I was born January 22, 1939, on a very cold day in Lille, a small village in northern Maine, a few hundred yards from the border with New Brunswick, Canada.

“After I was born, my parents, although not naturally superstitious, tried the birth control of an old French Acadian tale: if you named the seventh child after the grandfathers or grandmothers, this would be your last child.  I was the seventh child, and my parents, desperate not to have another, named me Jean Octave Roger.

“Unfortunately for my parents, and fortunately for my three younger sisters, this birth control didn’t work.  Years later, toward the end of her long life, my mother told me, ‘If I were young, I would not follow the Church’s ban on artificial [whatever that means] birth control.’”